THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
