If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
