did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
