so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
