Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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