I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
