last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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