i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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