Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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