I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Your cock deserves a montage
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
