3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
love makes seman taste better
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
