I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
