I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
