I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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