I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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