The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize