YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
