i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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