My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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