update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
