You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
