I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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