i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
