pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
