ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In other news, I just burned my penis
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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