I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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