a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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