I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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