My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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