I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
