wrigley field is MILF paradise
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
