Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
