I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
