I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
