Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
