i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
