Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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