Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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