Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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