theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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