where am i from again
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
