God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
