maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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