Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
