The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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