i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
