I wish I could teleport
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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