Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
