jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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