All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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