the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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