my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
