it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize