I can text with my tongue
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
