Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
