everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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