i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
