I wanna bring you to show and tell
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
