from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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