6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
