I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
