i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
